Joke of the day

An affluent lawyer is riding in his Lexus when he looks out the window and sees a man in disheveled clothing on all fours on the ground. The lawyer slows down to get a better look at the poor guy, who appears to be eating grass. He stops his Lexus and rolls down the window. "Excuse me, buddy," shouts the lawyer out his window. "What's going on?" The poor guy looks up, and through a mouthful, he says, "Nothing much, sir. I'm just eating grass." "Why?" inquires the lawyer. "Well, you see, sir, I'm too poor to afford any food. All I have to eat is this grass," says the man. "My Goodness!" exclaims the attorney. "That's horrible. You must come with my back to my house." "But I have a wife and three kids," explains the unfortunate man. "That's no problem," says the attorney. "Bring them all along. I am sensitive to even the slightest human suffering." The poor man jumps up and runs to fetch his wife and kids. The lawyer waits as the poor man ushers his family into the lawyer's Lexus. With the whole family in his car, the lawyer peels out. "We appreciate your kindness, sir," offers the poor man's wife. "You guys are going to love it at my place," the lawyer says. "The grass is a foot tall!"

Warshington DC

We had a fun time in DC. Well, except for losing my voice and having an attack of the Montezumas in the National Archives, but other than that it was fun. Here are a few pictures to prove we were really there.







And here are a couple of new photos of the star of my blog -- Jay.

More Jay!

Back by popular demand

Totally Awesome!!!

Well, it looks like Totally Awesome Computers!!! is closing its doors. Below are a couple of "Totally Awesome!!!" quotes from "Super Dell" himself regarding the closing of his business:

"It's too bad that all of the media in Utah are liars and murderers," he said. "You just destroyed the greatest computer company of all time. We were the best in the world, the world champion. All this hatred was created by you. You're basically angels of Satan. All I can say to the people in Utah is, please pray for all the news people."

"Totally Awesome Computers is going out of business. Yes, thanks to all of you. Which is too bad."

This next quote is my favorite (although it's hard to top the "angles of Satan" quote above). I found it in an interview "Super Dell" gave in 2000.

TH: Final question: What do you want to be when you grow up?

SUPERDELL paraphrased: I want to be a Supreme Ruler! In a few years, I want to have the biggest company in the world, where Bill Gates works for me, and Dell, Micron and Gateway sell out to me for $1.

Another funny exchange I found on www.ericsnyder.com:

"A few months ago, I said the guy on the Totally Awesome Computer commercials was so annoying, I would sooner smash him in the head with a computer than buy one from him. This resulted in an exchange of e-mails with the guy himself -- Superdell, he's called -- which included him sending me approximately 1,000,000 pages of positive feedback he'd received from satisfied customers who apparently bought a computer from him AND hit him in the head with it (I don't see how else they could have been 100-percent satisfied). I told him if he did lots of business, fine, but as for me, his commercials annoy me to the point of wanting nothing to do with Totally Awesome Computers. That's when the friendly stopped. He wrote (and this is just how I received it):

'I can't believe someone educated to your level would have such a weak mind! Why would you not want to save $100, get a better computer and better service simply because your emotions are stronger than your common sense. I don't care if you are a total [vulgar expression], I would buy from you if you had the better deal. ... Suggesting that people should get all emotional, and boycott a product is unwise. You should be charged with malpractice ['cause I'm a doctor, you know] or fired for having such a ridiculous opinion! [If columnists got fired every time they had a ridiculous opinion, would Ann Landers still be writing? Trick question; Ann hasn't expressed an opinion, ridiculous or otherwise, in well over 30 years.] Are you having that female time of the month by chance? Sounds very childish! [And that female time of the month crack was the picture of maturity. What is the female time of the month, anyway? I didn't realize the month was divided into genders like Spanish nouns.] What next? Not buying from people because they are black? Or not of your religion? Just because people are different doesn't make them bad. [No, it's being annoying that makes them bad.] Use your brain mister IQ! I still love you but you should grow up so you don't have to avoid every business of whom you didn't like their ads for the rest of your life. '"

I guess "Super Dell" was right. It must have been the media's fault.

TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

Top 5

This post is dedicated to some of my favorite albums. They are not necessarily the top 5 albums ever, but they are albums you can listen to front to back and every song (or almost every song) is great. Feel free to agree or disagree, or to post your own in the comments section.

1. Radiohead - OK Computer. This might be my favorite album of all time. Simply amazing.
2. Radiohead - The Bends. This might be my 2nd favorite of all time. There was a 5 year period where Radiohead could do no wrong.
3. Sheryl Crow - Tuesday Night Music Club. This might seem like an unlikely choice, but have you listened to it? This was an amazing debut, and one that Crow hasn't been able to replicate.
4. Foo Fighters - There is Nothing Left to Lose. Probably my favorite Foo Fighters album, and probably my favorite album to run to (back when I did that kind of thing).
5.Teenage Fanclub - Bandwagonesque. This album is full of great songs, and Teenage Fanclub has a unique sound that takes me back to 1995.
Honorable Mention: U2 - Achtung Baby, Grant Lee Buffalo - Mighty Joe Moon, Lucinda WIlliams - Essence, Lenny Kravetz - 5, and Peter Breinholt - Songs About the Great Divide. I'm sure I have left off many deserving albums, but you can't miss with any of these.

Help

In a little over a week, Lindsay and I are going to spend a couple of days in Washington D.C. for spring break. Because neither of us have been to D.C., I'm asking for some suggestions of things to see from those of you who have been there. We figured we would spend most of our time in the "mall" area, but feel free to comment if you think there are things we should absolutely see while we are there.

Happy Birthday!

As many of you know, yesterday was Lindsay's birthday. I got out of class at 2:30 and since it was her birthday, I decided to spend the rest of the day with Lindsay and Jay to celebrate her birthday. In all, it was a pretty fun day. I got up early and cooked her a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast, and sausage and I gave her one of her presents -- a denim jacket. I'm pretty proud of this one, because it was such a good deal. It was regularly $59.00, and I got it on sale for less than $6.00. She seemed to like it pretty good, and I think she was impressed with my "George Costanza" like ability to sniff out a good deal. This is a skill that I have developed over the past 18 months living as a poor student. I got home from school at about 3:30, and I gave Lindsay her birthday card and her other present. The other present was a lime green polo shirt with a pink collar. I thought it was kind of cute, especially with spring around the corner. For her birthday dinner she wanted to go to Taco Bell. I usually veto Taco Bell, but because it was her birthday I decided I could handle it. We took Jay with us and bought him a kids meal with a soft bean burrito. He seemed to like it pretty well, but not nearly as well as he liked the Sprite/water combination we gave him to drink. He was so cute, there was a guy sitting one table away from us, and Jay kept waving to the guy, trying to get his attention. We spent the rest of the night eating birthday cake and watching episodes of Lost. Oh yeah, I did the dishes too. Dishes and Taco Bell? No wonder Lindsay gets so excited for her birthday.

Joke of the day

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

“I have some shocking news,” the judge said. “I have been bribed by both the prosecution and the defense in this case…”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “I received an envelope with $10,000 from the prosecution and an envelope with $15,000 from the defense.”

The judge pulls out his checkbook and writes a check. He tears it off and hands it to the defense attorney.

“In the name of justice, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

Jay

These are a few pictures we have taken of Jay lately. What a funny dude!

15 minutes

Some people get their 15 minutes in the most unsual ways. This guy has been arrested nearly 1000 times since 1992. Here's the story if you want to read it.

Manly Foods -- Part 2

This is part two in my multi part series on "manly" foods. To set the record straight, I'm not advocating wearing aprons or giving up wrestling to join the Home Ec. club like A.C. Slater did on Saved by the Bell, but I believe there are certain foods that every man should be able to cook. Thus, the title, "manly" foods. Most of the recipes I will share have come from GQ magazine. In the past they had a great monthly feature titled "Guy Food" which I read regularly. It was often a favorite recipe of a celebrity or regular contributor to GQ, and there was usually a story behind the food. GQ no longer has its "Guy Food" feature, but about every other month there is an "Eat" feature that is similar, but without the background stories. With that in mind, today's manly food is the "manly" peanut butter and banana sandwich. This is easy to make, and is a great late night snack or can be eaten for breakfast, lunck, or dinner. It also tastes great, so it works well if you want to impress a date, or significant other with your "manly" cooking abilities.
Instructions:
1.Spread peanut butter on two slices of high quality bread. Slice one banana and place it on top of one of the slices, but keep it open-faced for now.
2. Melt about a tablespoon of butter in a frying pan on medium low heat, so the butter doesn't burn.
3. Crack one egg into a bowl, add a splash of milk, a splash of vanilla and some nutmeg or cinnamon, whichever you prefer. Wisk it until you have a batter like you would for french toast, and place your open-faced sandwich in the batter and let it soak for a few seconds.
4. Turn the heat up to meduim.
5. Place your open faced sandwich on the frying pan.
6. Place the top piece of bread in the batter and place it on top of the sandwich.
7. After a couple of minutes, flip the sandwich and cook the other side.
8. Remove from frying pan and top with honey, syrup, whip cream, or any other topping you like.
9. Eat, and feel "manly."

It is said that this was the favorite meal of Elvis Presley. That alone makes this a "manly" food.

Joke of the day

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which costs $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Manly Foods Part 1

This post is the first in a multi part series dedicated to manly foods. Manly foods are foods that not only taste manly, but are also foods that every real man should know how to prepare. I'm going to start out with an easy one -- the soft boiled egg. The soft boiled egg starts out just like his more popular hard boiled brother. You boil water, gently drop an egg in the water, and wait. The difference is in how long you wait. For a soft boiled egg, set your timer for 4 minutes and remove from the water. You can run it under cold water to cool it a little, and gently crack the shell and peel. I recommend cutting the egg in a bowl or on a small plate, seasoning with salt and fresh cracked pepper, accompanied with buttered toast. If you are manly enough to own egg holders, you can place the egg in the holder and saw off the top with a butter knife (see picture). The taste is amazing, and is Cary Grant or James Bond manly. Try it once, you'll never go back.

Gollum

This was the picture of the girl we babysat when I left for school in the morning.
This is what she looked like when I came home from school later that day. It was then that I realized I had made the mistake of leaving my wedding ring on the table within her reach. I couldn't quite make out what she was saying, but it sounded a little like "my precioussss."

Tragedy

I just read about the Phillipines mudslide that basically wiped out a whole village. What a tragedy. It reminded me of when I first heard that Sri Lanka was one of the countries that was hit the hardest by the Tsunami. Although the Tsunami hit hardest on the opposite side of the country from where I lived, I lived only a couple hundred feed from the ocean and would have likely seen some of the destruction. They said on my side of the island the waves were 10 feet high and on the opposite side they were 15 to 20 feet high. Disasters like these are especially sad not only because the people are poor, but because their governments are poor and can't afford to provide much aid.

Nothing means something

The lesson is simply this: when Vallentines Day is approaching, and your wife, fiancee, girlfriend, etc. tells you not to get her anything, she really means that she wants you to get her something. I'm sure at this point you are all thinking I made this mistake yesterday and had to spend the night on the couch. If you are thinking this, you seriously underestimate my understanding of the fairer sex. Nothing to them means something. It means at the very least, you get her flowers, and it always means you get her a card. Anything beyond that is up to you depending on your financial circumstances. So next time you ask what she wants and she says nothing, remember this simple phrase: "nothing means something."

Disclaimer: My Vallentines Day gifts to Lindsay included 25 red roses, a funny card, a new Gillette razor (she gave me the new Fusion), and dinner at the Lonestar Steakhouse.

So mean, but so funny

For those of you who made it to the "4th level" of the maze game, I've got a nice treat for you. Check this video out. I swear, this is one of the funniest and meanest things you will ever see. If only Al Gore had invented the internet sooner, we could have done this to Troy instead of tricking him into drinking lemon juice and eating baking chocolate.

P.S. Make sure you have the sound turned on when you watch the video.

Maze Game

Check out the maze game at the bottom of my blog. The object is to navigate throught the maze without touching the walls. It's a lot harder than it looks! Post what level you made it to in my comments section. In case you are wondering, I made it to level 4, but it took a while. It's a lot harder to control with the touch pad on a laptop than it is with a mouse.

Let it snow...

This is kind of funny. I got a call this morning at about 7:45 a.m. informing me that due to the snow storm church was cancelled. The people here are so paranoid about snow that they sometimes cancel or postpone school (not mine) at the mere possibility of a snow storm. The picture above was taken about 30 minutes ago, and it has been snowing since yesterday at about 3:00 p.m. As you can see, it did snow quite a bit, but enough to cancel church? Hey -- I'm not complaining. Lindsay and I figure we got enough church this week because we went to the worldwide leadership training broadcast yesterday. It was like a short General Conference -- a few talks from GA's, a couple of stories from T.S. Monson, and a Relief Society talk I ignored.

I Just Won the Lottery -- Part 2

I must be the luckiest SOB alive. I opened my email today to find a notice that I had won $300,000 in a lottery I didn't even enter! After recovering from the shock of winning such a great sum of money, I continued to read my email and found that an Iraqi and a Nigerian want me to help them get their dead client's money to the US, and in return I will receive 30% for my assistance. So in one day I netted $15,300,000!!! I guess I'll have to decide if I want to finish law school, or just drop out and start living it up with my newfound wealth. Now I'm sure you are all thinking that I made this story up. I assure it is true. To prove it, I am posting a copy of the lottery notification below. Read it and weep!


HUGHES INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY,
162 WHARFEDALE ROAD
WINNERSH TRIANGLE
WOKINGHAM BERKS,RG41 5TP
UNITED KINGDOM.

Date:11/2/2006
Ref: 435062725
Batch: 7050470902/189
Winning no: GB8101/LPRC


CONGRATULATIONS!!

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are delighted to inform you of your prize which was released on the
11th
of FEBRUARY 2006, from the Hughes International Lottery programme,which
is
fully based on an electronic selection of winners using their e-mail
addresses from some sites.

Your email address was attached to ticket number; 47001725 07056490102
and
serial number 7741134002.

This batch draws the lucky numbers as follows 5-13-33-37-42 and bonus
number
17,which consequently won the lottery in the second category.

You hereby have been approved a lump sum pay of US$300,000.00 (THREE
HUNDRED
THOUSAND DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/09 from the
total
cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category.

All participants were selected through a computer balloting system
drawn
form Nine hundred
thousand E-mail addresses from Canada, Australia, United States, Asia,
Europe, Middle East, Africa and Oceania as part of our international
promotion program which is conducted annually.

This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomorate of some
multinational companies as part of their social responsibility to the
citizens in the commmunities where they have an
operational base.

Furthermore, your details(e-mail address) falls within our European
representative office in Amsterdam, Holland as indicated in your play
coupon
and your prize of US$300,000.00 will be
released to you from this regional branch office in NIGERIA.

We hope that with part of your prize, you will participate in our end
of
year high stakes for
US$1.3 Billion international draw.

HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE: Simply contact our fiducial agent,REV FR
SELEVEN
DAVETH at to file for your claim.

Please quote your reference, batch and winning number which can be
found on
the top left corner of this notification as well as your full name,
address
and telephone number to help locate your file easily.

For security reasons, we advice all winners to keep this information
confidential from the public until your claim is processed and your
prize
released to you.

This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and
unwarranted taking advantage of this programme by non-participants or
unofficial personnel.

Note, all winnings MUST be claimed by the 18th of MARCH, 2006;
otherwise all
funds will be returned as Unclaimed and eventually donated to charity
organisations.

PLEASE CONTACT REV FR SELEVEN DAVETH, so that he will tell you of how
you
will receive your winning prize.

Name: REV FR SELEVEN DAVETH
Email: revselevendaveth@yahoo.com

Congratulations once again on your win!!!

Best Regards (co-ordinator)
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY THIS EMAIL. CONTACT YOUR CLAIMS AGENT AT ANY BREACH
OF
CONFIDENTIALITY ON THE PART OF THE WINNERS WILL RESULT TO
DISQUALIFICATION.